Morals, Misunderstandings, and Making Change

When we think about how people relate to us, the difference between being liked and being respected often gets overlooked. Similarly, the contrast between being disliked and being feared can shape our personal and professional lives in profound ways. I found myself greatly battling with this nuance over the last few days. We currently exist in a world that, to be frank, is tearing us apart in many ways. A few years ago, it was much easier to adopt the mindset of 'Severance,' separating work and professional life from personal beliefs and morals. Now, this is much harder to accomplish, especially for neurodivergent adults like me, where these dynamics are complicated by heightened emotional sensitivities such as rejection sensitivity and justice sensitivity.

"If you stand for something, you will always find some people for you and some people against you. If you stand for nothing, you will find nobody against you, and nobody for you." ~ William Bernbach

Perhaps it's been my focus on integrity in the work I do, or that health and politics no longer can be separated with any type of clear delineation, but launching into this new endeavor of consulting and podcasting and truly redefining my leadership style has brought about a strange tipping point. The question I'm faced with, is what will I stand for, what will my company stand for, and what is my ultimate goal with each? Read on and you might be surprised with how I tease this apart.

Being Liked Versus Being Respected

Being liked often means people enjoy your company, find you approachable, and feel comfortable around you. It’s about warmth, friendliness, and connection. On the other hand, being respected involves recognition of your abilities, values, and boundaries. Respect is rooted in admiration for your character and competence, even if it doesn’t always come with warmth.

In professional settings, many strive to be liked because it feels safer and more rewarding in the short term, I know I did. I used to think that being a good leader meant people liked you and wanted you around. But, it became clear as I gained more experience that respect builds a foundation for trust and influence that lasts much longer. It's easy to say that you may not be everyone's cup of tea, but much harder to embrace that ideology in action when your success depends on having a seat at the table and team members who support your work.

Rejection sensitivity plays a key role here, especially for neurodivergent adults. This heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection can make the desire to be liked overwhelming, sometimes at the cost of personal boundaries or authenticity. According to the Cleveland Clinic, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) causes intense emotional pain from perceived or actual rejection, which can distort social interactions and self-esteem. I used to perseverate on interactions where I felt like someone walked away angry at me, as if my career had just taken a nosedive simply from a look across the conference table. I never had a name for it until my adult ADHD diagnosis and subsequent research on why I was so bothered by it all.

Disliked Versus Feared

The flip side of being liked and respected is the difference between being disliked and being feared. Being disliked usually means people have negative feelings toward you, which can stem from misunderstandings, conflicting values, or personality clashes. Being feared, however, implies a level of power or control that causes others to avoid or obey you out of concern for consequences.

Fear can sometimes be mistaken for respect, but it often erodes genuine connections and trust. For example, a leader who rules through fear might get compliance but lose loyalty and creativity - we often refer to this as boarding on malicious compliance, a term I hate but also can spot from a mile away. Dislike, while painful, can sometimes be addressed through dialogue and empathy. Fear tends to shut down communication and can create toxic environments. I think it's safe to say we've all found ourselves in a fear driven environment. It's why the term psychological safety has become such a buzzword.

Justice sensitivity, which is common among neurodivergent adults such as those with ADHD, amplifies reactions to perceived unfairness or injustice. In research by Bondü, R., & Esser, G. (2015) highlights how individuals with high justice sensitivity may experience the world as more threatening or hostile, which can influence how they respond to conflict or criticism. It may also box someone into taking a neutral position on things to avoid any kind of reaction from those around them.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” — Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Impact of Sensitivities on Navigating Professional and Personal Life

When trying to balance professional responsibilities with personal relationships, both rejection sensitivity and justice sensitivity can significantly influence our experiences. These sensitivities can lead to:

• Overreactions to perceived slights or unfairness, which can occur even in unintentional situations, complicating workplace dynamics.

• Difficulty distinguishing between constructive criticism and personal attacks, making it challenging to receive feedback in a professional context.

• Challenges in setting boundaries while maintaining relationships, potentially leading to burnout or conflict in both personal and professional spheres.

• Increased stress and anxiety in social or professional settings, which can hinder performance and personal well-being.

I have found it much easier to identify these impacts and interactions but much harder to actually change my instinctual reactions to them. Over the final six months of my time in the federal government, the moral fatigue and injury from not being able to promptly redirect myself when these sensitivities arose, became debilitating in some ways. The silver lining, it also helped me understand how to not get caught in that cycle again.

Practical Steps to Build Respect and Connection

Navigating these complex dynamics requires intentional effort. Here are some practical ways to foster respect while maintaining genuine connections:

• Communicate clearly and assertively. Express your needs and boundaries without apology.

• Practice empathy. Try to understand others’ perspectives, especially when conflicts arise.

• Manage sensitivities by recognizing triggers and developing coping strategies, such as mindfulness or professional support.

• Seek feedback from trusted colleagues or friends to gain perspective on how you are perceived.

• Focus on consistency. Respect grows when people see you act with integrity over time.

Why Does this Matter?

So Natalie, why the heck does any of this matter when it comes to what you do?

Well - that's complicated, but let me try to sum it up.

I know that my approach to how I lead now focuses on being respected and not being feared. However, this does not mean that I accept a neutral position. It means that I work on being clear and consistent and that I pause when that feeling of "oh no, they don't like me" creeps in, giving me time to reframe that feeling.

For my company and for the the podcast, it means that I understand there are always consequences to standing for something personally when we live in a world where your every thought and internet action can be connected back to you and then you can be connected to your job.

This means that I'm not going to be the consultant that comes in with no questions asked and simply executes on what someone else thought was needed. That defines the whole reason of being in someone specializing in risk and root cause reviews. I am the consultant that will push you to look at the uglier truths, that will call out the statements that say far more than you realize they do, that will push you to limits that feel slightly make or break.

It means I'll be the podcast host that never brings a guest on to simply go through their pitched list of questions. Want to talk about wealth, then we're going to talk about the nasty parts like perhaps that discussion should start with teaching children about the power of saving, or teens how to balance a bank account, or limited credit card interest rates through federal intervention. Want to talk about some new device you created, well I want to talk about every failure, how you raised your money, who your support system was, and mayyyyyybe I'll let you mention that product by the end of the episode.

In short, my loyalty and my respect won't be up for sale. Perhaps this means my company will be short lived. Perhaps this means I alienate individuals who have never known where I stood on certain topics or matters. But, perhaps it will create a community more robust, more in tune and more powerful than I've ever known.