Natalie Bulger (00:48)

Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Motivation N'at. I am Natalie, I am your host, and today I am super, super excited because this is like quintessential Motivation N'at. Two days ago, I did a cold outreach to my guest, who you're gonna hear more about in a second, because my friend was like, have you heard and seen this Instagram and TikTok account, and she's out of Pittsburgh, and my god, I love her so much, and we have to go to the Chili Cook-Off, and it was just like all of this stuff.

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And I was like, I haven't, but then in the car, I'm looking all these videos up and I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna email. And I was like, it's a long shot, but I'm gonna do it. And Desarae was amazing enough to get back to me like same day and then a prep call. And then we're like, we're in, we're just gonna go with it. And so this is fully off the cuff. We have zero notes. We are just driving on in. I get to learn about Desarae the same time everyone else on the pod does, and just from what I've been able to see on her — I'm gonna call it influencer, but on your social accounts of cooking, comedy, and chaos — it is just perfect fit. It just resonates so much, and I think it's going to with everyone else. So without further ado, Desarae, tell us a little bit about who you are, where you came from, what you are just driven and passionate by right now, and then we're going to learn more about you and your story and what you're hoping to see as you're continuing on with your journey.

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Desarae Legros (02:19)

Okay, so I'm Desarae Legros. I'm the creator behind Cooking Comedy Chaos. I started a cooking show in my kitchen about four or five years ago, really just to get me through depression. I was immobile, disabled, and really, really struggling with going from running restaurants and loving the industry to being at home and unable to walk. So I started cooking. There was a lot of chaos. That's where the Cooking Comedy Chaos thing came from, because I'm a trained — I would just make a mistake and leave it on camera.

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So I've grown my platforms — across my platforms I have 1.2 million followers. I have such an amazing, beautiful community. And I think back in November — October, November — I got sober from alcohol in September of last year. And when I did that, my content changed. I was just doing cooking, comedy, and chaos stuff. And then I started to share my journey.

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When I got sober, I told my husband, I said, I think I need to show people — because I was never like a big drinker on camera. I had done a couple videos of like taking shots and everything, but no one knew how bad it was. None of my supporters knew that I was getting blackout drunk three to four times a week. That's how I managed my pain — just to numb it. So when I got sober, a few weeks after, I shared it with my platform. And the amount of support that was there was just so beautiful. I had no idea there were so many people that were struggling with sobriety as well and just coping with life, you know.

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And through that, once I got sober, my husband and I took my son down to Gatlinburg for his 21st birthday. We had told him for years that we were going to take him out for his 21st birthday and do all these shots — and then I get sober like a month before his birthday and he's like, Mom, you missed the memo. So we went down to Gatlinburg and I wanted to get a t-shirt and we had to go to like four or five different shops for me to find a t-shirt that would fit me. I was a 4X. And I remember we were sitting in this restaurant in Gatlinburg called the Apple Barn, and I looked at my husband and I said, I think I want to lose some weight.

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And that's really what sparked my journey. I'm now down 112 pounds naturally through calorie deficit, high protein, high fiber, strength training. With my ankle, I had shattered and dislocated it once and then shattered and dislocated it again a week later. So I had multiple reconstructive surgeries, and after the last reconstructive surgery, a year went by and I still couldn't walk. The pain was just too intense. Well, little did I know that when you're self-medicating with alcohol for pain, you're actually making your pain ten times worse. People don't understand that. They're like, let me take the edge off. But alcohol is a poison to your body — it's inflaming everything. And it was to the point where I couldn't even stand on my foot.

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So I started getting like really weird pains, and this was right before I got sober. We were believing that those pains were going to lead to amputation because the bone hadn't healed and my doctor pretty much said, when you've had enough, come back and we'll discuss it. So we walked into the office — I think this was in August of 2024 — and my doctor was like, hey, guess what? Your bone grew. So now your foot's healed. But I have severe post-traumatic arthritis.

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When we walked out, it took me like a month to get sick of my own shit and really look into, okay, what is causing my pain? And then I go down the rabbit hole of alcohol, and that led to my decision of getting sober. I lost my career by being immobile. In restaurants for 20 years — right before my injury, my husband and I were gonna open a food truck. And then I had actually gotten injured at work on my hand, and two months after my hand injury, I broke my foot. So it was just this series of catastrophic events that put me in the darkest time of my life. There had never been a time where every one of my dreams had been ripped away — except for that day at the doctor's office when he told me, a year after the surgery, your bone didn't grow. I lost all hope that day.

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So when I went back to the doctor and found out my foot had healed, it really gave me an awakening. Like, okay. Do I have the strength to take my life back? I contemplated quitting drinking so many times before that because I came from a family of opiate addicts, a family of alcoholics, a family of very destructive tendencies. So it was almost like I didn't know if I had the strength, but I was gonna give it a shot. And I'm really, really, really grateful I did, because my life is a million times different now.

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Natalie Bulger (07:43)

Yeah, and that's amazing. And I think it's always interesting — especially because we'll probably get into it — the traumas that you've referenced quietly, and having survived every one of those traumas and the strength it takes to do that. Yet the final kind of leap to overcome a dysfunctional coping mechanism, whether it be food, alcohol, any type of addiction, always seems to be the hardest last step. It's like, all right, well, I've survived. I put my armor on. I found a way to make it through each next day. But then that moment where our entire definition of what our survivorship looked like gets kind of ripped out.

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Am I going to be back to feeling like probably that at-risk kid or that person that didn't know who was there to protect them, because what I've defined as my comfy space is now all gone? So talk a little about that first jump into the sobriety journey and the fear that came with that — and really where you found some of those supportive elements, because it's a long journey, right? It's not like the light bulb came on and now you're a little bit better. It's waves. It's up and down. So what has that been like, especially those first few months, but even this whole last year?

 

Desarae Legros (09:10)

It's been hard and rewarding at the same time. I am in trauma therapy now and I credit — my recipe for success is that it's not been just starting a weight loss journey. It's not been just getting sober. I've taken every aspect — mental, emotional, spiritual, physical — and I've made it a choice to focus on every one of those all at once. And it's hard.

When I first got sober, my emotions were so — I was unable to regulate anything. I had severe anxiety, severe panic attacks, a lot of depression I was working with. And I think that was the most painful part, because I didn't know how to feel feelings. Through journaling — I have a manifestation journal I use every single day — and through getting into therapy, I've kind of learned that the only way I can move forward is to heal the pieces of me that are not broken, but they're hurt by other people. And it's shitty that they hurt me, but it's my responsibility to make the change.

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So this entire journey this past year has been a lot of reflection, a lot of self-forgiveness. There's a song by Cameron Whitcomb called Wreckage and there's a lyric in it that says, I've made peace with the wreckage. And I understand that the things I held shame and guilt for, and the way I reacted — it was a coping mechanism due to post-traumatic stress disorder. And I think it's opened my eyes that sometimes in life, when we see somebody doing something that we don't agree with or that we judge, we don't understand what they went through, the hurt that they went through to make that decision, because it's a fight or flight, freeze or fawn decision. And I think we've become so adjusted to just judging people instead of looking at them and saying, what happened to make them do that?

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And this journey is the hardest thing I've ever done. The absolute hardest thing I've ever done. Staying consistent on something with myself has never been anything I've ever been able to achieve. When I was running restaurants, I was always a thousand percent in — I needed to make my boss appreciate me, needed to make my boss see how valuable I was. But now the only person I give a fuck about is me and how I feel about how I do. And when you change that perception in life, your growth is going to be phenomenal. I always say that if you're comfortable, you're not growing. You have to be in a level of discomfort to take away your security blanket and see what's on the other side.

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Natalie Bulger (12:05)

Yeah, I love that. And the piece of being the only person you're trying to impress now is you. And the flip side of that — I think oftentimes when you're the one driving everything and it's just you you rely on, if you fail, the fear is you're the person that you disappoint. And there's a component — being neurodivergent on top of everything, and that's the world that I sit in too — there's this rejection trauma that comes with being someone that's neurodivergent, especially a woman that's neurodivergent. It's one thing if someone else rejects me because then I can just find the parallel person who's like, no, you're wonderful, we love you. But when you end up being like, I kind of rejected myself in this weird space — and now I've got to completely pivot and start to appreciate, and in what you mentioned, all those broken wreckage pieces that still make up who you are. And those are often tied to things that carry shame. And how scary it can be to be okay with stuff that you were once ashamed of.

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I know it's a super emotional topic, but you have referenced foster care, being a teen mom — and those are things that society often has very strong stigmas associated with. So as you've been reflecting back on some of that, coming to terms with what that's been like, what have you thought about your younger self?

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Desarae Legros (13:46)

If you were to ask me this a month ago, I think I would have a completely different answer than I do now. But I actually told my therapist last week — I was in the gym, standing in front of the mirror, doing dumbbells, and something in my mind's eye just showed me little Desarae sitting there on that bench looking at me in awe.

If my inner child were to say something, I would say she was the strongest woman she'll ever need. And she didn't know it. You have to go through that and get to the other side to truly appreciate the strength and the hard times.

I had a really, really messed up childhood. My mom and dad got divorced when I was just a baby. My mom got with my stepdad and my dad got with my stepmom. Up until I was about five or six, we had a picture-perfect childhood living with my mom and my stepdad — good job, all our friends wanting to be at our house. And then my mom, after my childhood SA, started having an affair. And my mom — who was enraged at my childhood SA — became the perpetrator.

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That's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to process. We ended up in foster care. I got tired of being in foster care because it was a very abusive situation, and I said I wanted to go live with my dad. Things were good — me and my dad were forming a bond because I hadn't seen him in years. But my stepmom had a lot of mental health issues. She was completely unmedicated, unregulated, and extremely abusive toward me because I looked just like my bio mom. That's a stepmom syndrome kind of thing only stepkids will understand. So after a few years of that, I went back to live with my mom.

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That didn't turn out well either. My mom had a very abusive boyfriend who tried to take her life one night in the middle of the night, and I had to stand up to him. And she pretty much kicked me out of the house for that.

So I ended up living with my son's dad at the age of 15, pregnant, giving birth by 17. And then that relationship became a domestic violence relationship that I had to get out of. I ended up having another baby by a different man, so I was a single mom of two kids at the age of 19. No high school education, no driver's license, no car.

Around that time, my stepmom got medicated — regulated — and that's where our friendship and mother-daughter relationship formed. I always say I can't hold that against her, because I understand mental illness. I grew up with an uncle who was severely mentally ill and ultimately lost his battle when he took his own life. So I was able to forgive her for that trauma.

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But for years I've struggled with the relationship with my biological mom. Through trauma therapy, the only way I'm even able to vocalize this is because I've learned how to cope with it. My anger became: my mom became the perpetrator. So how was your reaction and your feelings about what happened to me even authentic when you turned around and did the same thing? But what I've learned is that post-traumatic stress disorder, when you have a trigger, it will cause you to act out of character. And that's what my mom did.

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I fell in the laundromat on Sunday — some lady had spilled laundry detergent all over the floor. And later that night I was laying in bed and I was like, you know, if I would have seen that lady, she would have taken me out of character. And I made a video and posted it. And then like an hour later I had one of those aha moments where the light went off — she almost took me out of character because the PTSD was triggered. I said, now I get it. Now I understand why my mom became the perpetrator, because the PTSD trigger took her out of character and she coped in a way she didn't know how.

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So for 20, 30 years I struggled with ever hoping to find a path to forgiveness for her. But it was that moment, that fall, that something clicked. The last few days, my soul has felt so much lighter because I'm forgiving her. She doesn't know I'm forgiving her, but I am. And it's for me. It's not for her. Whether she deserves it or not — that's not on me. But I'm forgiving her.

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So all of this that I've went through in my life, every single bit of it — if you were to talk to me a year ago before I got sober, I was 100% the victim. Poor me, this happened to me. I don't know why it happened to me. I never acknowledged my strength. I never acknowledged my perseverance. I never acknowledged the light that I always carried. But now I see it. And now I know there's a reason for me sharing my story, and I know I'm helping others. That's what matters the most.

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When I switched my content and decided I wanted to share my story, the first few months were really hard. Content creation is my job — that's how I make my money. And as soon as I switched my niche, the algorithm was like, the people don't want to see you. So I went from having viral videos to just nothing. And I beat myself up mentally. I was like, do I just go back to doing what I did? But how can I? I'm not fulfilled. I feel empty. I feel like I'm doing everything for a purpose. And I started chasing impact versus chasing views. I have a list — 28 people I've helped find their way to sobriety, and 13 people I've helped begin their healing journey in trauma therapy. Impact over views all day.

 

Natalie Bulger (20:56)

Well, and for me, it's helping me get my ass on a treadmill. I've had eight surgeries between knees and ankles from my time as a gymnast when I was itty bitty little. And that's not who I am anymore. Just running a mile on a treadmill is a feat these days. I broke my ankle running a 5K. And so there's a mental part too that goes, if you run too fast, you'll break your ankle again. Kind of getting past some of those things.

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I love what you're saying about looking back at that kid. We often hear, give your younger self a hug, tell her you'd be that caring person she didn't have at the time. And I think one of the things I wish I could do is go back and high five my younger self and be like, bitch, you doing a good job, keep it up. Because there was an element of — we've always said, you shouldn't have had to be parentified, you shouldn't have had to go through that. And I'm like, but you know what? I did. And not only did I go through it, I thrived when it was all said and done. So why downplay that? And I think that's the shift from that victim mentality. We can't go back and change what our younger selves went through, but I can reinforce: you did a damn good job while you were working your way through it. And that has set you up for the ability to do this further growth and this inspirational journey that you're heading on.

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So tell me a little bit about — I'm guessing there may have been a little imposter syndrome even when you started going viral, and then now when you're switching your content. What has that been like? For anyone who's never been viral — hello, me — what was that first moment of, oh my god, now people are watching? What was the thing that popped you there, and how did you handle the fact that eyes were on you and people were invested?

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Desarae Legros (22:52)

You're gonna get there. You're gonna get there.

I think the imposter syndrome kicked in pretty immediately. When I first started content creation, I started on Facebook — seasoning, simmer, and shake it — and it was because I started selling Pampered Chef. That was the only reason I did it. And I was disabled at the time, just trying to help support my husband with bills. I went from making 60 grand a year to absolutely nothing. And when I was doing that, that was definitely the most inauthentic I've ever been on camera. I was trying way too hard to be like Food Network, and I am just not that person.

So then — it was 2020, and my son was like, Mom, you gotta get on TikTok. So I get on TikTok. I will never forget: it was the night my husband had gone to the hospital for emergency appendicitis surgery and no one was allowed at the hospital. Here's me, completely depressed and codependent on my husband because I'm disabled. I get blackout drunk that night and I'm scrolling TikTok. TikTok's conservative algorithm finds me. And the next thing you know, Desarae — the most liberal girl in the world — goes down the Trump rabbit hole. Because I'm angry and hurt that I cannot be with my husband, I become anti-COVID. So hateful, so mean. Making jokes about civil wars and stuff. And it legitimately took my best friend telling me, I don't know who you are anymore.

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And I was like, wait — what? I'm still the same girl. But she couldn't see it beneath all the hatred and the division that the algorithm can brainwash you into. I was weak. I was mentally weak and it got me. And so when I see the division that's happening and all the hateful videos, I look at whoever's making that video and I truly feel bad for them, because there's something they are hurting from to make them that angry and that divisive. Because I was there.

So I had started this cooking club with a friend, and it was then that I realized, I hate politics. I've always hated it. How did this happen to me of all people? So I got away from it. And that's when I was like, I don't want the season simmer and shake it anymore. I want to do my own thing.

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My husband had gotten me a molecular gastronomy kit for Christmas — it's food science. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to start a new page. At first it was called Cooking Comedy Chemistry. I was making caviar pearls and all this other stuff. And the first five videos, if you go back, are so chaotic. People were like, this should not be Cooking Comedy Chemistry. My friend Jennifer commented and said, you named this page wrong. It should be Cooking Comedy Chaos. And immediately I changed it. This is so much better.

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Natalie Bulger (26:54)

No, it's great. This is the journey.

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Desarae Legros (26:55)

Look at ADHD!

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Natalie Bulger (26:58)

This is the beautiful journey. But no — so it's that, people go, well, that's not you. And so now you've had someone telling you who you've initially presented as isn't even you, and you're trying to find you. And now it's the conversation of, all right, now going viral as kind of who you are and questioning that too. At that imposter syndrome piece of Cooking Comedy Chaos now — which I feel is very reflective, no matter what stage you're in, for the very reason we have here — when you settled in there, the chaotic is 100% who you are. It's authentic, and people still loved you for it.

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Desarae Legros (27:38)

It's authentic.

When I got sober — I think it was New Year's Eve day — I posted a video. There was this woman who was obsessed with me. You'll get people like that, and that's fine. But she had sent me a really nasty message and she was like, I don't even know who you are anymore. I need you to get back to cooking and making me laugh because you haven't made me belly laugh ever since you decided to get sober.

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And I cried so hard. Because every video I had posted before I got sober — 75% of them, I was hammering it and people couldn't even tell. Second of all, I was so obnoxious and loud because I was so uncomfortable. Every time I got up to film, my anxiety would shoot. I would be in the middle of filming, say something funny, and then cut it because I was so worried about people pleasing. So then when I made the switch and said, I'm just gonna be me, point blank period, I don't care — and she sent me that message, I was like, alright, first of all, it's time for you to go away.

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I made a video just calling her out — didn't say her name or anything — but I was like, I want to let you know, I'm doing this for me. I'm not here to make you laugh. If you're relying on me for laughter, you need to go get a life. She tried to be that person to stop me and tell me what she needed from me instead of what I deserve to give myself.

Ever since then, the imposter syndrome hasn't really been there. Especially because my views have went down so much and I'm just like — you know, if a thousand people see this video, great. If a million people see it, even better. Hopefully it touches someone's heart. The imposter syndrome isn't there as much with my page. It's in the fact, like the other day when I signed up for my second gym membership, I was like, who the fuck am I? This is the girl that always hated physical exercise. My brother had me go to the gym with him a couple times and he was like, you are the worst person in the gym. Because I would start sweating and I would stop, because I didn't like to sweat.

 

Natalie Bulger (30:27)

No, me too. I'm like, ew, I'm nasty. And he's like, that's the point of being at the gym. Sorry.

 

Desarae Legros (30:35)

But now it's like this version of myself that I truly feel was always meant to be. I didn't enjoy the physical part. I never enjoyed it because I never thought I was worthy of it. I never thought I was worthy of feeling good and feeling beautiful in my body. I never felt like I was worthy of being the person in the gym that other people look up to. And now, when I'm at the gym and one of the buff guys comes up to me and they're like, yo, I watched your form that whole time — it is the best feeling ever. Because this is something I never would have done.

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The training for the half marathon. My husband is so anti-half marathon. He's like, I don't want you to do this because I don't want you to get hurt — he was the one who watched me in so much pain every single day for five years. And it's like, now that he says he doesn't want me to do it, I'm definitely doing it. And he won't ever see this podcast, but what he doesn't know — I think I'm gonna do the Pittsburgh Marathon before the Akron Marathon, but I'm gonna keep it on the super, super down low. I'm just gonna wake up and go and do the half marathon. And then I think I'm just gonna call him and hold the medal up. And he's gonna be like, what? I thought you were at a work event. Well yeah, if I film it, it's always a work event.

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But yeah — imposter syndrome. I don't know if I really have it anymore. I feel like I had it way more at the beginning when I was being so inauthentic to myself. Because I didn't love myself. I had zero self-love. I was drinking myself away.

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Natalie Bulger (32:19)

Well, let's talk a second about the husband. I saw the one video where he farted at the end and I was like, I love that so much, because that is a hundred percent what mine will do. He'll walk in a video and pull his pants down and moon the camera and I'm like, I'm recording. And he's like, oh, I didn't realize.

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Desarae Legros (32:40)

That's a community guidelines violation.

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Natalie Bulger (32:44)

I'm just supporting you. I'm here to make you laugh. But you know — I also saw one of your plating videos with the British accents, reading through the macros. He's supportive with you on that journey too. So it's this beautiful balance of being there in some moments and then still having that independent voice in others. But as you've made this shift over the last even five years — from kind of finding this as a career and moving forward — what has your relationship been like and how has it shifted or grown?

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Desarae Legros (33:28)

When COVID happened and I broke my ankle, he worked from home. So we went from both of us having our individual lives to 24/7 together. We became very codependent. And we were always drinkers, but it got really bad for both of us.

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Him and I have always had a really strong relationship. He's been my best friend since the very beginning. With the drinking, the further it got, we'd fight sometimes — and we never fight. We've always had very good communication. So when I made the decision to get sober, he cut back a lot, because I was very front and honest: I do not want to be around you drunk. I have zero patience for drunk people now that I'm sober. I never understood how annoying I was until I got sober.

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Our relationship got a lot better once I quit drinking. And the funny thing is, when we first got together, he was this big buff bodybuilder. Then COVID happened — no gyms. We both gained a ton of weight. When I got sober, he cut back drinking. When I said I wanted to lose weight, he said, we'll do it together. He is down, I think, 85 pounds. He had hip surgery in May, so the fact that he's still losing weight after that surgery is amazing.

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He got drunk one time around me — end of August of this year. There had been some things — he's had to go no contact with his mom, and there's been a lot of emotional stuff for him. That night he got drunk, I came home from a work event, had been gone all day, and he acted out of character with me. Said some things that really hurt my feelings. And the next day he woke up and I said, I never want you drinking around me again. I know my worth. I know that alcohol makes you say things you don't mean and brings out a side of you. And I want you to know drunk Jason is a man I never want to see again. He made the decision that day to get sober. He's like, I'm not losing my marriage. I said, are you getting sober for me or for yourself? And he said, for me, because I don't want to lose you.

So now he's sober, and over two months in, our relationship has gotten so much better. Every single aspect. I know it's hard for him because his mom is our next door neighbor, so to be no contact with a family member that close — you know, do that for two years, and it's just been a lot.

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Once I got sober, I couldn't deal with it anymore. Before, someone could say mean things to me and I'd just take a few shots and ignore that it happened and forget about it. But once I'm sober, those things stick. I actually feel it. And I made the decision to protect myself. I was like, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I don't deserve to be disrespected after everything we were doing for her.

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He's in a hard place right now because it's his mom and he misses her, but he also knows he doesn't deserve that treatment. He's starting to feel his self-love go up, and he's actually talked about getting into therapy on his own. Because there have been multiple occasions where we've had to talk to my therapist together — not anything between us, but if I'm going through something and I can't find a way to explain it, I'll call up my therapist and be like, hey, can you help me out? I attribute so much of my healing to my therapist because she doesn't let me give up on myself. If I say one negative thing, she's gonna call me on my shit right there.

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And finding a good therapist was the hardest part. I got turned down for EMDR therapy by like four therapists. Because I was in recovery — how disappointing is that?

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Natalie Bulger (37:53)

I can't even imagine, because I walked in and in the first 30 minutes, mine looked at me and said, so you need to do EMDR. I hadn't even thought of that. She was like, oh no, you're going to be doing a lot of that. But yeah, so if you're in recovery, that's a risk element. They don't want to connect the two.

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Desarae Legros (38:01)

One therapist just said on the phone, we don't do anybody in recovery or with substance abuse issues. And the other said, we are not comfortable treating people in substance recovery. When I told my therapist about it, she was like, that doesn't make sense — trauma is the root of addiction. Why wouldn't they want to treat you? I said, maybe it was because I was within my first six months.

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But I did it all on my own. I'm not religious, so I don't do AA or NA or any of that. I've done the work. And now when I think about drinking, it's like, no — I love walking too much. I have to manage my diet to be able to walk with the arthritis. One sip of alcohol and I'd probably be down for a week with how much it would flare it up. So it's just not worth it. And my mind is so much better. I haven't had a panic attack in 15 months. I mean, I was having daily panic attacks. And I'm not medicated for anything — depression, PTSD, nothing.

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I feel freer than I ever have. That's what I tell people when I talk about my EMDR sessions. I feel the weight in my soul lift after every single one. There have been a couple that just knocked me on my ass for two days. I can't get out of bed, all I want to do is cry. But it's sitting with those feelings and feeling them and processing them that gets you to the other side. We're ingrained to just push everything down and numb it and act like it didn't happen. But that's not how it works in real life.

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Natalie Bulger (40:08)

I've been on a break, and I keep knowing how tough EMDR is. I've just been doing talk therapy and my therapist keeps going, are you ready yet? She's making all these notes and she goes, we have a list. And I'm like, I'm not ready yet.

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And I can't imagine living next door to a mother you're no contact with. I'm not at no contact, but I'm very close. She had lived in my other home for the last few years, and I had to tell her she had to leave — I cannot do this anymore. And thank God she moved out. At that point my therapist went, are you aware of all the things that you've internalized that she said to you over the years, that you now believe are full-on truths? And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, just make a list when you hear the little voice come up — note when it's not you, it's Jean. And the list was very long. Now we have to go back to EMDR.

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But as a mom yourself — because I'm not one — does this feel like you're breaking some generational cycles?

 

Desarae Legros (41:22)

Absolutely. It absolutely does.

I know that with what I went through in my childhood, more than anything, what would help me is my mom just taking accountability, not making it our problem. When we got taken into foster care, she made me hate my sister for 30 years because she told me it was my sister's fault. And my sister and I were the epitome of toxic. She enmeshed herself with every one of us and triangulated every sibling against the other. The narcissistic mom always knows what they're doing. They don't know why they're doing it, but they know what they're doing.

With my kids, I've always been very open and very honest. Because I was an SA survivor, I had to have talks with children that you shouldn't have to have — but I needed to make sure they were always open, trusting, so that if something happened, they would come right to me and I would handle it.

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Since I got sober, I reflected back on the things I did when I was drinking, and I've had real conversations with my kids — they're 22 and 20. I've flat out told them I fucked up. My youngest, he and his girlfriend were here, and Jordan had gotten his paycheck and spent all of it. His girlfriend was upset with him and I said, listen, that's on me. I worked too much and was never there as a mom. On my days off, we went and spent all the money to do all the things, because the only way I could be there for my kids was buying things. That's on me that he doesn't understand the financial component, because he always saw me splurge — that was my way of buying their love. And it wasn't purposeful. I was just a mom in the restaurant industry.

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With parents whose kids are going no contact — it's sad that a parent says, well, I'm your only mother. Well, my husband's your only son. He has two sons, but he's the only Jason you have. And he's never been good enough for you. And that's sad. I wish she would take accountability, but I don't think she will, because of the generational trauma that's there. They don't understand that their behavior is due to their own hurt and pain from their own parents. And that's a shame.

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When her mom passed away, my husband was so confused. He was like, I don't know why everybody's so upset. She was so mean. Why is everybody acting like she was an angel now? And you kind of see that happen a lot with the older generation. When someone dies, all of their sins are magically wiped away. Not me. My dad died — I was five years no contact with him. And I will still tell people my dad was an abusive alcoholic and drug addict, because he was. Did I love him? Yeah. But I had to cut the cord because I deserved better. And I think we are the generation that understands the impact of trauma. The older generation is never even going to take the time to learn it, because they believe in shoving everything down. And that's where those pattern behaviors — the flat out abuse — come from.

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Natalie Bulger (45:13)

Well, not even talking. I know my mom was always weirdly protective in some instances. And it wasn't until after I had my own SA — I ended up pregnant, miscarried — that she went, well, I was date raped at 20. Same thing, there was a pregnancy, an abortion. And I'm just like — okay, so many things make sense now. But why did it take this for you to be honest about it?

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And then 15 years later, we find out my grandmother had a child before she ever got married. Up until her 103rd birthday, she never admitted that child was hers. Just a spitting image. We found her on Ancestry.

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Desarae Legros (45:54)

That's crazy. Because I found out about an aunt at my grandpa's funeral — and I was like, wait, what? And it was a situation where my grandma knew he had a second family but kept it hush hush.

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Natalie Bulger (45:58)

The whole family knew. My grandmother had worked at a home for unwed mothers — she was in the home. And I just — I'm like, all the pain. She named her first daughter after the daughter she gave up. And I'm like, tell me there wasn't so much mother-daughter trauma in my mother's house growing up that then just became this toxic, cancerous mess. And my mom didn't know how to mother because she had never had a mother. And so — I mean, I'm breaking it because I'm not having kids. I'll just mother my four dogs. But all the props to being able to look, especially when your kids are in their twenties, and going — okay, now I'm starting to understand things, and there's still time to ensure this doesn't continue. Just acknowledgment to all get out, not only for recognizing it in ourselves, but wanting to make sure it stops where we're at.

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Desarae Legros (47:16)

Yeah, yeah. The generational curse thing. When I look at my family, I see mental illness on both sides. Addiction on both sides. SA all throughout the family. I've heard some very horrific things about my mom's childhood through my Uncle Mark — he had mental health issues, so we never knew if what he said was true or an episode. But some of the things he said really make sense when I look at my mom and her siblings. A lot of OCD, a lot of addiction. There was a suicide. My mom had suicide attempts. There were so many things that point to: y'all went through some really fucked up shit, and no one talks about it. And how are we supposed to ever heal and become better if you can't even talk about it, to feel it, to process it? How are you ever gonna get better?

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Natalie Bulger (48:17)

Yeah. So I know up till now we've had this really heavy conversation, but I do want to get into a lighter note as we get into the last part.

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Desarae Legros (48:27)

Well, I'm Gucci with that. Let's go, girl!

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Natalie Bulger (48:31)

Let's talk about the cooking component. We've kind of touched on Pittsburgh area, which has a fabulous food scene — maybe that comes from our heritage of every ethnic community in the world having a spot somewhere in the city. It's still a segregated city in some ways — there's still Little Italy, all these little components and niches. What are some of the places that resonate with you and bring you joy in the culinary world of Pittsburgh?

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Desarae Legros (49:10)

So Youngin's in Elizabeth — it's five minutes from my house. Best burger spot, best owners. My daughter-in-law works there now so we get a family discount. Also Pho 51 Cafe — that's my husband's spot. When he gets home from the gym, we're going there. Best soup in the world. Best service. So kind, so amazing. Community Kitchen Pittsburgh — they do so much for the community.

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And then Galley's Gyro on 51 — pristine. Any Lebanese restaurant. I try to find the places that are small and family owned. If I see your kids working there, I'm gonna give you a 50% tip, because I know those kids — my kids grew up in restaurants.

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So yeah, the food scene — I try to always support small and local. I'm not a big franchise gal. I worked for franchises. I know how shitty they treat their employees. Any place with continuous staffing problems, I usually know how it's ran without even walking in the doors. There are a couple places around here that I've found out the hard way how the owners treat the employees and I'll never be back. I know that even in retail, healthcare, the restaurant industry — everyone is so worried about paying bills we forget about the importance of family. And it's sad that in a world where the economy has everyone working two or three jobs, we forget that.

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That's why I'm trying to build a strong community — between restaurant owners, photographers, a little community where we can lean on each other. Restaurant owners, if they need ideas for marketing or sales have been down, I can go have a meeting with them and be like, have you tried this? Because a lot of the times, people who run restaurants don't have time to focus on marketing. That's where they fail — because you're on the line 80 hours a week.

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So yeah, the food scene — I'll eat anything. There is a Turkish restaurant, I think in Oakmont, called Turkish Aria. Best food I've ever had in my life. They have this bronzino fish — they bring out the whole fish, a four-pound fish. And it's only like 600 calories. So I will absolutely go to town on that. But it's gotta be a family owned place for me to support it. Corporations don't need my money.

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Natalie Bulger (52:25)

Fun story — my husband and I were at a dinner at Churchview Farms, one of those chef's table events, and a whole cooked fish with teeth came out. I've never seen him so horrified in my life. We had to stop at Wendy's on the way home.

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Desarae Legros (52:41)

Did he eat it? Poor man. We had a pig roast like five years ago — over 100 people at our house. At the end we had so much pig left and I was like, this pig should have only fed like 50 people. But then we were talking and everybody was so grossed out by the fact that it was a whole pig. I was like, what did you think was happening? Where did you think we were going with this? Lord forbid the apocalypse happens and you have to skin something.

 

Natalie Bulger (53:18)

Right. I ate it. I thought it was good. Couscous with it — it was good. Yeah.

So as we get into the last kind of wrap-up — I think it's a great component of what you mentioned. I sat in a session this weekend where someone said, because I have so many meetings, I've missed a lot with my kids. And I'm like, cancel the meeting. Your expectations of yourself are what is perpetuating this feeling that we can never walk away. The more that we transparently and authentically talk about the fact that a customer who can't come eat at the restaurant today is not as important as the fact that my kid needs me right now — that's where we need to be. And it's really hard for our generation, which has been helping our parents through stuff while trying to bring our kids up and relying on each other so heavily, to now say: no, today I'm just gonna hibernate. And that's the best thing I can do for me. The world's not gonna end. We'll all get through it.

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Desarae Legros (54:31)

Yeah.

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Natalie Bulger (54:55)

Tell me a little bit about the Community Kitchen. I know you've got something coming up real soon, and we're gonna push this pod this weekend, so folks will have time to look into it. What's happening in December and how does the Community Kitchen come into play?

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Desarae Legros (55:11)

So we've actually made the decision to postpone the December thing for my 40th birthday in February. What was happening was — I think right now we're facing low ticket sales. And with SNAP being paused and financial hard times coming up, I had a talk with my best friend TJ, who was competing against me in the original event. And I was like, hey, I do not want to pull resources from other people. I would rather just make meals for people in need. So that's what we're gonna do — make meals, show up on Friday, drop them off, Community Kitchen will disperse them.

But when it came down to it, there are so many more things happening right now. To put a party out there during such a hard time — granted, it sounds like a great idea, but our community needs us in a different way. We need to show up for support.

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So I've got a few different events coming up. November 23rd, I will be at Flower Power in Allison Park. They're doing three community meals that day — 9am, 10:30am, and then 1pm. It's anyone in need of a meal. We'll be doing a breakfast spread — eggs, hash browns, sausage, biscuits and gravy, fresh fruit, full spread — and then lunch will be sandwiches and sides. And then November 15th, I'm going to be at a boutique with Kimmy Rhodes, Cigarette Mom, and Jordan Gray, and we're doing a big food collection drive. I think I'm just gonna show up with some brown bag meals and hand them out — no questions asked, whoever needs them.

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The food insecurity right now — I just didn't feel right continuing with the pop-up when so many people are in need.

 

Natalie Bulger (57:21)

I appreciate that. And I think anyone listening to this right now — maybe today was the first day I heard of someone I directly know who has admitted they cannot buy food and their eight-year-old may not have food. We're all much closer to this than I think we realize. Hopefully everyone out there at least has a Facebook they can click on to find a local page, because in my area there are so many places collecting, restaurants doing rotating free lunches each day of the week. While it should never have come to this point — now that we're here, those of us who can contribute will be able to. So hopefully a call to action for anyone out there: if you've got your pantry, find some stuff out of it. It is amazing the food insecurity we don't see every day, because it happens behind closed doors.

 

Desarae Legros (58:22)

And it's heartbreaking. Also — Lasagna Love. If you've never heard of that, it's an organization where people can go online and sign up for a meal in need. No questions asked. I know they're backlogged right now, but it may take a month or two to get matched with a lasagna chef. I actually volunteered with them for a few years. You exchange information, they make a lasagna, drop it off at your door — no questions asked. You don't even have to open the door to meet them.

 

There are a lot of different organizations. I know 412 Food Rescue is doing a lot right now. Community Kitchen Pittsburgh is doing as much as they possibly can. But what a lot of people don't understand is the current administration has made so many cuts that a lot of these nonprofits have lost 30 to 50 percent of their staffing. So not only are they facing food insecurity, they're facing having to do double the work with half the staff. So if you're watching this podcast and you have time to donate — donate your time to your local food bank or food pantry. It would be more than appreciated because all of their funding has been cut.