Natalie Bulger 0:05

Okay, welcome everyone to another episode of Motivation and That. I am here with one of my really fantastic favorite peer mentors. You think folks have heard me talk about peer mentors, meaning kind of someone in the same space, professionally, emotionally, all that. Let's be honest, Julia, you're far ahead of me in some of these categories, but I think we are going to have an amazing chat today.

 

And I wanna make sure we jump right into it. So our topic of the day is about authenticity as a leader. And we'll get into what authenticity means and why it's an important conversation for both Julius and I. But I want folks to know about you, Julius. So we'll touch on kind of how we met, how we ended up here, how our peer mentorship began, but.

 

Julius Boatwright is our guest today and I'm gonna have him introduce himself and tell you a little bit about who he is and why this is a passionate kind of focus area for him and me and how we feed off each other a little bit in this area. But Julius, who are you?

 

Julius Boatwright 1:17

Yes, thank you, Natalie, for having me first and foremost. I'm grateful to be here with you today. Who am I these days? What a question. If you were to ask me that question a year ago, I would have immediately started with all the professional stuff, all the superlatives and titles and whatnot. And I believe I'm finally at a place where, as a human, I've gotten to the point where I'm embracing the fact that I am a human first. I'm a husband, I'm a son, I'm a brother, I'm a friend, I'm a confidant for a lot of folks that I adore and cherish my relationships with. So I'm a human being first before a human doing. And just really leaning into that has been extremely difficult for me, but it's been something that has been long overdue and I am excited about leaning into that humanness of myself first.

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In addition to being a human being that's living and breathing here in my body, professionally I consider myself to be a mental health enthusiast. I love all things mental health, so all of the work that I have been privileged and blessed to be able to do really over the past decade has just been in that mental health and wellness space. I run a community-based nonprofit called Still Smiling, and we're actually coming up on our 10th year — 10-year anniversary will be in December, so really excited about that, putting the finishing touches on the celebratory event.

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Through that work, we essentially help Black residents throughout Allegheny County and Southwestern PA get connected to mental health support, treatment, resources, trainings — any and everything we can do to resource folks to be well in terms of their mental health and their mental wellness. That is what I like to call my day job, even though I'm the founder of that organization. It is now at a place where it is a fully functioning, fully staffed organization that I consider a day job. And in addition to that, I run my own business called the Black Wellness Group. I teach yoga classes in the community to groups and individuals. I do one-on-one therapy sessions with individuals, primarily folks that are in the executive space within their professions. I am also doing a bit of consulting as well — working with different organizations that want to be well organizationally, want their people to be well, want their policies and their practices to reinforce the wellness of their people. We all know what's happening right now in the world, just in general at people's places of work. So being well is something that is really top of mind for a lot of folks. All of it comes back to supporting people in their mental health and wellness.

 

Natalie Bulger 5:28

I love that. And we'll come back to 'being well' in just a second because I think there's a real connection point to one of the trigger pieces that brought this topic — authenticity — up for us. You mentioned over the last decade, and as you were saying that I was like, when did I meet Julius? And I was like, oh, 2017. We were both 40 Under 40 in Pittsburgh. That was kind of at the initial rise of Steel Smiling, I think, that really got you into that spotlight in Pittsburgh. I remember reading the summaries of everyone else in that class and going, I don't belong here — these people are doing amazing things. And then to watch that blossom, and reconnect in 2020, right before the pandemic, over a brunch with students from the University of Pittsburgh.

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They were coming to those dinners or breakfasts with alumni to learn about us, but yet we learned about each other sitting there across the table, hearing our own stories — our journeys from where we had been initially out of college and how we had risen to where we were at that point. Getting to be a part of the inaugural board for Steel Smiling was a great experience for me, and also a meaningful connection to the community. It was a time in Pittsburgh where we had gone through some really interesting traumas, so to speak. The city is wonderfully blue collar and hardworking as it is, but it's still a very divided city in a lot of ways — a lot of clusters of things that differentiate the service access that we have.

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And again, that's why Steel Smiling is just such a grassroots but sustainable effort that I think was incredibly needed at the time. I'm alluding to the shooting in Squirrel Hill that garnered all of this attention — people come out of the woodwork to support that community, but similar traumas are happening in other communities that we tend to just treat as a typical news day, where we're not necessarily coming together in the way that I think a lot of folks, at heart, if they knew how, might. And you're teaching the how. I think that is an incredible conversation to have.

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So we're in a world right now, and I always say I'm not going to get into politics on the podcast, but we can be very adjacent to politics right now because it's hard not to be. We're in a world where pretty much everything is being weaponized. No matter what you say, what you do, what you present, someone takes it and twists it in another direction. And it almost makes it hard to feel like you can be well right now and be you at the same time. So in a world where we've had this push to be who you are, own who you are, be authentic — I don't know if we really know what authenticity means right now, or if we're even getting a chance to ask: what does it mean, and how durable is it?

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So as you look at yourself over these 10 years — who have you become over that time? And do you feel there is pressure from the outside that has pushed you in one way or another, where you feel like you can't be authentic, or your authenticity is different, or you question the authenticity of those around you? Because it's been a wild 10, 15 years, if we really get into it. What has that experience been like to observe it and be a part of it?

 

Julius Boatwright 10:10

That is probably the best question anyone has asked me to get at kind of what I've been experiencing. I love the layers of that question.

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What comes to mind first is the word adjacent — I'm going to tease that out. When you say authenticity, the word that comes up for me immediately is vulnerability. Over the course of my 10 years with Still Smiling and about 13 years in the mental health space, I have been called from a spiritual place to maintain a level of vulnerability — a deep, sincere, authentic level of vulnerability. In the beginning of the journey, when I was more so out in the community with folks in the trenches, at grocery stores, places of worship, wherever people are in their daily lives, connecting with them on the subject of mental health — that is when vulnerability, at least from my perspective, was mostly embraced. It was like, yes, there's this human coming up to me, interested in my mental health story, interested in just listening, and then we can have an open and honest conversation. We can be vulnerable with each other, authentic one-to-one.

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Those were some of the most beautiful and meaningful experiences that I have ever had and believe that I will ever have in my career. They were just so organic and so natural and so real. Over the years, the organization starts to grow — you get more investors, you grow your staffing model, you actually become the very thing that you've put all of the time, energy, and effort into. And with that, behind the scenes, there are so many things that have to happen. The business of a nonprofit — you've got to have your financials in order, appropriate governing bodies in place, make sure your I's are dotted and your T's are crossed. And for me, I had to become a leader and develop skills that I didn't have.

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I got to a point where vulnerability wasn't necessarily embraced or welcomed into some of those high-level, executive, board-level conversations. Those conversations are: are we turning a profit? Do we have enough money to operate? Are we governing our actions so that we stay on the right side of the law? Are we serving the constituents? Are we doing what we said we were going to do through our mission and vision? And if we're not doing that, we need to correct it. So I had to train myself to compartmentalize — to get to a point where if I'm coming into a conversation about management or financials, that same vulnerability I was showing up with to that one individual person in the Hill District or Larimer or Homewood was not going to get the results in that particular space. I struggled with that so much because what it was doing to me was making me feel like I couldn't be my authentic self.

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It felt like I was showing up as the representative of myself — this compartmentalized version — and business is getting taken care of. All of the things are getting done and everyone's high-fiving and shaking hands and we got the funding and we made the impact and the investors are happy and we've got testimonials. And then I would go home and feel like a shell of myself because I didn't feel like I had the external permission to be my full self. And I wasn't giving myself the permission internally to do it either.

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I just want to tie this in briefly because it is so timely. I literally just got back from an opening retreat for Leadership Pittsburgh. For those not familiar, it is a regional nonprofit that brings together for-profit and nonprofit leaders from the best organizations and companies in our region — some with national and international footprints — to go through a leadership development program. They're on their 42nd cohort. I went to their opening retreat, and they had reached out to say, 'Hey, we think you'd be great to come and present to our leaders about vulnerability.'

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I was like, excuse me? And then I'm looking at the roster and it's FedEx, Bayer, CMU. And I'm like, why vulnerability? Because in my mind, what I had internalized as a leader is that I don't associate those names and those organizations with vulnerability — I associate that with buttoned-up, bottom-line, business as usual. And they were like, and that's exactly why we need you to come in and be yourself and present and give a keynote on vulnerability and do some decompressing wellness work with these folks. Because they too are carrying that weight of feeling like they can't be themselves. They're managing millions and billions of dollars and they're thinking, I can't make a mistake. If I show vulnerability, it's going to be seen as a sign of weakness. I could lose my job, lose our clients, lose our cache and our reputation and trust.

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I went into this retreat with the expectation that everyone was going to be buttoned up. It was the complete opposite. I gave my keynote, they broke out into small groups, and I'm floating around listening into the conversations — and they are having the most vulnerable conversations. So what we have been told as professionals — I am here to say it is a lie. Being vulnerable as a human and then being vulnerable as a professional is literally a superpower.

 

Natalie Bulger 20:31

That's incredible. When you were initially talking about having to — I don't want to say hide, but I'm going to use the term mask — who you felt you were, and then coming home exhausted and empty and unfulfilled. I know masking is generally used in the autism, ADHD, neurodivergent community, but it's truly the idea of: when I walk out the door, I see someone else and I shift. I have that with customer service. People say it all the time — they're like, I don't know who you are when you shift into customer service mode, but it's not the Natalie I'm used to. And it's fine, but I'm exhausted afterwards. You do what you're supposed to do, you get to your outcome, and you wonder: is that really me?

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So the component of how authentic are the masks that you put on, and how do you take those competencies and kind of distribute them appropriately? I love the strategic vulnerability piece because I think it also ties into humbleness — and there's always this lesson that you don't want to be overly humble, because in leadership, that can shoot you in the foot. People are like, do they never want credit for anything? Why do I bring them here if they're just going to toss everything off to other people?

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What I think drives a lot of this is the fear component — which is what we're living in right now. It's either fear of failure, fear of success and what that might come with, fear of judgment, fear of the unknown, instability, chaos. When fear comes into play, we start switching our masks even quicker because you're trying to be reactive versus maintaining a consistent sense of self with slight variations. And I think strategic vulnerability is that great way to think about it — it's still me, but I'm shifting slightly this way right now, and then shifting back. The right parts of me become visible and applicable in the situations I'm in, but it's still me.

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I want to kick on this before we get to the next conversation: what the heck is authentic? Because we get to define for ourselves what is actually authentic for us. But we've entered this world where sometimes we judge others and go, you're being fake. You're not being authentic. You're not being real. And I have to ask — it's probably an impossible question, but — how do we, or should we even care, if other people are being authentically themselves, professionally or personally? We're not in their body. How can we know for sure? And how do we respond to that? Because if I'm looking at you and I'm like, Julius looks a little off today — but it's really just you tapping more into who you are, and I haven't seen it before — who am I to say that's not you being authentic? What are some of the things you've experienced or thought about when it comes to that feeling of: are you being real with me right now or not? And how do I respond?

 

Julius Boatwright 24:19

At the retreat with the Leadership Pittsburgh folks, in my keynote I spoke about a few different things. One of the myths, when I was doing my research on vulnerability, is that so much of the research frames it as a deficit. So I had to do a lot of digging to find strengths-based research and data on vulnerability — that's another episode if you want to bring me back for part two.

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One of the points I brought up that most people in the room resonated with was trust. There's that story most of us know — when you go to someone you work with, whether they're at the same level or a higher-up, and you ask them something very direct. And the answer they give you is this dancing-around, verbose, flowery, fluffy language. I asked the room: how many of us know when that's happening? You can get a sense that this person doesn't have the answer to my question, they don't know what they're talking about, or they're hiding something. And when that happens — when that person is not being strategically vulnerable and authentic enough to provide the truth in that moment — that is where I lose trust in that particular person. That's in the personal and the professional. When I get the sense that you are hiding the truth from me and you're not being authentic, the trust meter starts to dip. That doesn't mean it can't go back up, but it starts to go down. And that's not a healthy place to be in relationship with folks.

 

Natalie Bulger 28:00

I appreciate that. And there's a component to — we're raised to hear, well, you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. And I'm like, yeah, I'm a cup of coffee, that's why. But we've been coached to be who we are and be unapologetically who we are. The reality is that sometimes that clashes with success. Walking into a room — and I experienced this over the last few months when I was with the government — I'm a softer person generally, and that is who I am. But if you push me too far, I'm going to tell you about yourself and it's going to hurt, because as a listener you ingest a lot of things and it's going to come back around. I had been sitting there taking it all in.

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And so my words, when they came out, had impact. And I remember some people going, do you need to take a break? And I was sitting there going, I have never felt more comfortable with who I am right now, because now is the time to really show this part of me. And others were like, we regret inviting you to this table now. So as we evolve, and as you step through different hierarchies, we start showing different sides of ourselves — and all of a sudden people go, that's not the flavor that I like. That ties into another episode coming out right before ours, about leaving a group and what it's like to experience the grief of that. Did you encounter any situations where, as you came into your own as a leader or professional, people have said, I no longer like this, Julius? And how have you managed through that?

 

Julius Boatwright 30:28

The word that's popping into my mind now is gaslighting. So I would often be invited, called in, sometimes even called out for my level of vulnerability. And it was often labeled as: you are being too emotional, you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. I respect that about you, but you've got to learn how to compartmentalize, how to leave the emotions at the door so that we can conduct business. So when I compartmentalized, I did the 180 — I'm like, all right, now I'm shutting that off. When I come into this space, there is going to be a new version of me. This is the version that you requested.

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And then what I noticed happening was what I was experiencing and defining as gaslighting. There would be remarks like, are you okay? I think you need to calm down. I think you're a little oppressive. So it was conflicting. Off-putting. It felt like — talk about masking — I put one mask down and picked up the mask that I thought you wanted me to wear. And when I put that mask on, I was still being confronted and told about the way I was showing up, as if it wasn't the way I was being convinced to show up. That was the mental, emotional, and spiritual gymnastics that came from that.

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Here's what I've learned, and where I am right now — and it's an ever-evolving process. Right now I'm in a space of strategic vulnerability and authenticity. Meaning: I am going to be intentional about compartmentalizing because I need to be able to do my job and be effective in my role, while simultaneously tending to and nurturing myself and not completely sabotaging myself for the job. If I have hundreds of pieces of evidence that clearly say it is not safe for you to be your full self in this space — I'm going to take that, hold back, and say, okay, be strategically vulnerable and authentic here. And then in the spaces where you can be 110% Julius, be 110% Julius.

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I recognize that it is literally a privilege for anyone around me to receive the fullness of me. Whereas before I was like, I just want to be authentic everywhere. And it's just like — the world that we live in is not unfortunately designed to hold and nurture and support the fullness of everyone. So now I am so intentional, so strategic, so mindful of the depth and levels of vulnerability and authenticity that I take anywhere with me. And to be honest, for me, it has actually improved my mental health and wellness because of that intentionality and that process. I hated it at first because it felt like hiding. But I don't believe that professional spaces are designed for us to be our full selves. Some spaces are better equipped than others, but largely — it's the residuals of capitalism. Even when people believe they've got the right work structure and culture in place, it's like makeup on capitalism.

 

Natalie Bulger 37:25

Somewhere in that piece, what I thought of was: when you're challenged about what you're showing of yourself, sometimes that has helped me understand, nope, that was definitely fake — they saw it, and we're just going to put that one back. Or it's reestablished in me the confidence that no, you can think that, but this is who I am, and this is what I bring to the table. And I think sometimes in those leadership pieces — especially in the nonprofit world, where you're involved in grant pitches or funding requests — people can pressure us. And I go, no, go ahead and try, because I firmly stand behind this. I have confidence that if someone questions me, I can explain and bring truth to what someone has maybe twisted or pushed in a different direction.

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So when we're talking about nonprofits specifically — and this was one of the shifts I saw when looking at research from the last year or two — if they focus on areas that are not popular for the current administration, government funds are probably out of the question. Things like vaccine research just aren't going to be available. And now you're having to rely on private corporations or individual donors. And the question becomes: what if they start questioning you? How do you still bring yourself to the table and confidently do it, knowing there's a chance 50% could be like, uh-uh, I'm out? That rejection element — and still trying to say, no, I believe in our mission and the way we operationalize our mission.

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Because I think when you talk about losing faith in leaders, when it sounds like they're just putting a talk track to a mission but every action no longer tells you that's what they're doing — it makes you wonder, especially if you're a funder. Is my money really going towards that? Or is it going towards you keeping your job because you're worried about overhead, with much less actually going to the things you said you were funding? How do you still bring your authentic self to the table when the pressure is on, and you know there are new viewpoints that are going to push you in a certain direction? How do you honor — through operationalizing — what your goals are in a world where maybe you can't do everything you once could, or there are just fewer people who appear to be supporting it because it's not what makes them look good anymore?

 

Julius Boatwright 40:55

The word that's coming to mind now is relationships. And that has been the foundation of my life — not just professionally, but just relationships are everything. Good, bad, indifferent, ugly, choppy — in all of their beauty and ugliness, relationships are everything. So what I'm seeing as a leader in our space right now is that I have to be even more intentional about the way I'm nurturing, building, and sustaining relationships — whether it be with a colleague, a program participant, a program graduate, a funder, a researcher. All of the key people that help uphold our mission and our promise to the community. Not for the sake of checking a box, but for the sake of genuinely and authentically maintaining the relationship. Because right now there are so many factors coming at the sanctity and sustainability of the connections and relationships we have — with ourselves, and with other people.

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Part of my philosophy as a leader is that when things get convoluted and overwhelming and there are all these pressures and outside factors — that is literally an invitation to simplify. And what our team is learning from simplification is that that is actually where innovation and sustainability and transformation live. We held on so tight to certain programs and certain ideas and certain ways of doing the work because it was what worked and what is still working. So it's not that we're abandoning how or why we do the work — it's that we're being mindful of the movement happening around us and the shifts, and how we can leverage that from a place of power, a strengths-based way, showing up as our most authentic selves as strategically as possible to continue to get funding, continue to make an impact, and continue to inspire people to care about the work we're doing. And I want to be clear — it is some of the most difficult work I have ever had to do.

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Relationships — when you're with people, when you're in front of them, if you don't feel safe or supported enough to be 1,000% yourself, try to do your best to tap into some level of vulnerability. Because right now, if we're all just robots responding out of fear and the authenticity slowly fizzles away, the vulnerability dissolves, the faith and trust in each other just dissipates — you can't have a relationship without any of those things. And there's a threat of living in a society where humans are just shells of themselves running around, and we can't accomplish anything meaningful in that way. So what I try to do is invite people to be authentic with me — to give people permission. Not that it's my power to give, but maybe it's just a gentle reminder: I can safely assume that in certain spaces you probably don't have permission to just be. I would love for us to just be. And then some folks welcome the invitation, some are thanks but no thanks, and that's fine. That cues me in to how I can show up for them and for myself.

 

Natalie Bulger 49:45

There's also no shame if authentically you can't do it right now. Just saying: I don't have the ability to give you what you need at this moment. I know that's tough, but you do a little more damage than you do good when you're just continually burning that candle at both ends. And that's a great kind of way to shift into the close-out section. The wrap-up question I have for you is: if you could recommend a first step for anyone who's trying to figure out how to tap into who am I and what do I do with this — what are some of those initial steps? What was the milestone, the first point where you said, okay, we're on the right track here?

 

Julius Boatwright 50:43

One response is: consistently reassess who you are. Because I got to a point where I started to regurgitate who I thought I was — who I was at one time, who people responded to with the most cheers. And then someone asked me, what's your why? And I was like, wow. The why I used to say is not my current why. It doesn't have the most heat or love or joy or passion or heartache around it anymore. So I've got to spend some quality time in quiet, in silence with myself. I have to meditate. I've got to get into my yoga practice. I've got to open up my journal. I've got to burn some candles — do all of those things to get to a moment of what I would call freedom. Freedom from everything around me, even if it's just momentarily. It's kind of like a seven-day vacation where on day four you're like, I actually feel like I'm on vacation now. I didn't open my laptop today. And then ask myself: who am I? Who am I today?

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And in that moment of peace and liberation and freedom — I am just like a regular human. I like a good scented candle. I like when I hear the right lyric over the right beat, or the right song tone from a singer. I like when you get just enough of the graham cracker crust with the cheesecake and it's just the right amount. I'm present. I am fully present. I did what I needed to do to nurture a space to be able to authentically ask myself who am I and then give an authentic response.

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And this may be the first time I've articulated this because it's new to me. Who I am and who I'm becoming in this moment is someone who absolutely loves and adores and is so deeply connected to the work that I do — and at the same time knows that there are so many more important things for Julius than his work. I never ever thought I would say anything like that. It's like, what do you mean? You're doing this work for all these people in the community. How dare you prioritize your wellbeing over the wellbeing of others? I am at a point where I am not willing and I am not going to sacrifice my wellbeing for the wellbeing of others. I will prioritize both of them accordingly. I will work as hard as I need to and I will rest and nurture even harder — resting in the beginning, resting during the doing, resting after the doing. It is a non-negotiable at this point. I am someone who has finally put me first, and I would invite everyone to do that.

 

Natalie Bulger 56:44

And it brings just a wonderful cycle back to the question at the very beginning — who is Julius? And when you said I'm different than I would have answered this a year ago, I think that's the other message as we wrap up: it's okay to change. It's okay to go through growth. We're not in an environment that's a vacuum where every variable is the same. We learn about ourselves. The relationships that we're in can impact us, and therefore if you look different than you did a year ago — mentally, physically, spiritually, whatever that is — that's okay. The question is, are you comfortable with it? Are you in tune with it? Are you standing behind it and confident about it? That is a fantastic 360. Julius, where can people find information about Still Smiling and the Black Wellness Group? Where can they find you?

 

Julius Boatwright 57:39

Yes, I am on most of the socials — Julius Boatwright. If you want to learn more about Still Smiling, it's Steel — S-T-E-E-L — Smiling with a G at the end, on social media. The website is stillsmilingpgh.org, and my practice and consultancy is theblackwellnessgroup.com. You can stay connected with me professionally. Personally, I share what I want to share with folks. I'm open and willing to build new relationships, and then we'll see what chapters I'll share with you.

 

Natalie Bulger 58:29

And I love that you put the G at the end of Steel Smiling because in Pittsburgh, in Pittsburghese, it's just Steel Smiling — one word, no G's. So I appreciate that for our non-Pittsburghese folks. As I do with pretty much every episode at this point, and so grateful to have you here to do it with us — it's been a really vivid conversation. A lot of things coming to mind and coming alive. Empowerment, and also, let's just decompress for a minute. Julius, can you take us through a close-out, deep breath moment for the listeners and for you and me as we shift into what's next on our day today?

 

Julius Boatwright 59:13

Yes, I would love to. So if you are comfortable enough to do so, you can close your eyes. If that doesn't feel supportive, you can just lower your gaze to whatever is out in front of you. Straighten your back out a little. Lift the crown of your head up to the ceiling. Have your hands face down resting on your thighs, or palms up to receive good energy from up above. Release any tension in your belly area. Release any tension or energy that might be built up in your jaw, your forehead, your mouth. Relax. Just check in with your body. Notice it. Without judgment.

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And when you're ready, let's take a nice slow inhale through your nose... a nice slow exhale through your mouth. And again, nice slow inhale through your nose... nice slow exhale through your mouth. One more — nice slow inhale through your nose... nice slow exhale through your mouth. And just give yourself permission to be everything and all that you are in this moment. Thank you for giving yourself an opportunity to check in.

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Thank you, Natalie. Thank you so much.